Nature Treasure Hunts with Kids

There are lots of ways to make hiking more enticing to kids. I have one friend who ran ahead and hid little toys along the trail for her young daughter to find as she walked. There's always the alphabet game or rainbow game: find something that starts with every letter, or in every color, in order, as you walk along the trail. 

We have a really great program in our area (central Vermont and New Hampshire) called Valley Quests that has largely done this job for us. Valley Quests are simply walks or hikes in the area made into treasure hunts. There is a quest box at the end-- the top of the mountain or whatever the destination is-- containing a log book to sign your name and write a message if you desire, a tidbit of information about the site, and a handmade stamp with an ink pad so you can make a stamp and remember you were there.  (You could stamp on anything; we own one of the Quest books so we've taken to collecting all our stamps in the back of that.) Along the way there are clues to mark your journey: a huge burl on the side of a tree, an old stone wall, a distant view of a particular mountain from a certain spot.

I have absolutely loved them. There isn't any actual treasure to collect, besides the stamp and the satisfaction of finding the box, which is sometimes pretty tricky! But just having the clues to read and the thrill of being the first to spot this or that landmark is motivating and fun. 

Countless times when I have had time to "kill" with one kid while waiting to pick the other up from an activity, I've gone to the Valley Quest site, where you can search by town, and checked out what quests might be in the vicinity. I am continually impressed that we find special little spots we never knew about this way, even though my husband and I have lived in this area for twenty years.

Where's M?

I feel it is important to note that in general I do not love scavenger-hunt-type things; give a group of kids (or their chaperones!) a scavenger hunt to do on a museum field trip, for example, and you can guarantee they will race through the museum frantically checking things off while being blind to anything and everything not on The List. Scavenger hunts can falsely prescribe what's important and turn off any natural learning or interest. Stepping off my soap box now... Somehow Valley Quests feel different; they introduce us to new natural places, and they make us actually slow down on a walk and really look at all the details around us. Since these quests take place in nature, quite often things have changed a bit since the quest author wrote the clue and now the young sapling is a full-grown tree or the rotting log is fully covered in moss. A "birch with bark so white" took us a long time because it had lost all its bark since the clue had been written. But it's neat to look and look and look and only adds to the excitement when we figure those things out too. 

Finally found it!

Collecting the stamp

Found it!

They aren't all big hikes either-- lots of them are quite short indeed. We've even done a Civil-War-themed cemetery quest, as well as a quest to the tiniest park that we never would have noticed otherwise in downtown Lebanon, NH.

Civil-War-themed cemetery quest

Quest to a tiny downtown park

Our love of Quests inspired my kids and I to make one of our own this year. It was a process, but pretty straight-forward, because the Valley Quest site lays out the steps and materials needed very clearly. We had several fun outings, choosing to do our research on especially nice days, as we tried to settle on a location for our Quest. There was some debate about where it should be-- we didn't want it to be too intense or long of a hike so as not to scare some people away from doing it. We wanted it to be relatively convenient for us to check in on from time to time. We wanted it to be a special spot, with a defined destination, not just a random walk. We wanted it to be in the woods, not in a busy or residential area where it would get accidentally spotted or messed with. Eventually we came to agreement. 

And then we walked it some more. We all brought along clipboards or notebooks and jotted down ideas for fun landmarks and clues. Back at home, we synthesized them into an order. In a few separate sittings, we word-smithed a bit, deciding not to stress ourselves out with rhyming (many Quests we'd done, but not all, seemed to rhyme). We also decided to draw a rough, not-to-scale map to go with it-- my son took this on. We decided to make it a riddle Quest, with blanks to fill in as you go and then some letters to unscramble at the end because my daughter had really enjoyed a Quest of that type we'd done before. Finally, we did a little basic research about the Appalachian Trail and wrote up a paragraph about it to include in our box, because our Quest happens to be located along it. 

Hard at work

Finally, we were down to a really fun art project: carving a rubber stamp. Each Quest has its own unique stamp. We had some different ideas about what our stamp should be. In the end, we had such fun carving the stamps and liked them all so much that we decided to put all three in our finished box and let Questers themselves decide which they wanted to use.       

We submitted our Quest to Vital Communities, the organization that manages them, and they accepted it and posted it to their site. Find it here! 

In our finished plastic Quest box we placed: a small notebook to be a log book, a pencil, a manual pencil sharpener, our stamps, an ink pad, and our card of information about the area. 

It was fun to work on a joint project together, and doing so was a reminder that, with my kids almost five years apart and with different temperaments, it can be pretty challenging to work on a joint project together and meet everybody's needs and wishes! But we did it. Like any big, long-term project, there's a sense of satisfaction when all the pieces come together in the end. (And when we visited our box in the woods recently, after first placing it there about a month ago, it was a reward to find that three people had already visited and signed the log book.) 

We're pretty proud of our Quest and if you ever find yourself in the "Upper Valley" (the Connecticut River Valley area of central Vermont and New Hampshire) with a little extra time on your hands, you might want to check it out. Find our own full Quest here!  

Do you have any programs like Valley Quest in your area, or do you do anything like this to make walks more enticing for your kids?  

Positive, Productive Problem-Solving with Kids

It's easy as a parent to get in a habit of constantly reminding your child about the same behavior repeatedly. Maybe it's leaving their wet towel on the floor, maybe it's never being ready on time when it is time to leave the house, maybe it's always interrupting others, or maybe something else. We find ourselves reacting in the moment to the same, pretty predictable, problem(s) day in and day out. But this pattern doesn't solve the problem: you feel like a broken record, your kid feels nagged, and you both feel frustrated. 

But, when you step back and see the situation for what it is-- a regular problem area, a pattern-- that is a step toward ending the problem. There are ways to change and improve those habitual frustrations, and better yet, leave parent and child feeling good instead of bad. 

One strategy is the one-on-one parent-child conference, or social conference, best used when working with an individual child about a recurring problem. The other method is a family meeting, for problem-solving as a group a situation or part of the day that generally is not working well and involves more than one person. Both are useful, depending on the circumstances. 

Sometimes these methods blend together. The basic approach for both is similar. Both are conversations with kids. Both involve naming the problem, brainstorming solutions, and choosing strategies to improve. Instead of the adult making all the decisions and handing down consequences or changes to the way things are going to be done, both of these strategies have kids and adults working together to problem solve. Being involved in problem solving makes children feel respected and more on board with outcomes, and also gives them practice in an important life skill.

I first learned about these strategies years ago as a teacher when I read a great book called Teaching Children to Care, and from my Responsive Classroom training in general. There are lots of resources to be found about class meetings (which are applicable to families as well as classrooms) and problem-solving conferences, and I listed a few handy ones at the end of this post. I've internalized my own version of each of them over the years which I am sharing here.

 

Here's the format of each method and examples of when to use them.

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One-on-One Adult-Child Problem-Solving Conversation

Examples of Times to Use It:

Your child is never ready to go out the door on time.

Your child always leaves their wet towel on the floor.

Your child habitually uses the bathroom for a long time during dinner time.

Your child leaves belongings strewn all over the house. 

Your child interrupts a lot.

Your child bites their nails.

Your child says hi barely audibly when they see people they know in public.

Your child regularly forgets their household chore(s)

Format of One-on-One Problem-Solving Conversation:

Link to a Google Doc outline of steps below here. 

1. Say what you (the adult) have noticed happening. As much as possible, describe the situation in a non-judgmental tone, just the facts. (For example, I've noticed a few times lately that when we see people we know and they say hi to you you answer so quietly that it's hard for them to hear or understand you.)

2. Ask if the child has noticed this, too. Usually, they have. 

3. Ask if the child has any ideas why this is happening. This is a time when shockingly simple solutions sometimes become apparent and the issue turns out to be an easy thing to fix. (For example, if the problem is that they never put their games away neatly, you may discover at this point that the reason is because they can't easily open and close the bags and boxes they go in-- in which case a very simple solution is to choose a new storage system together that is easier for them to use.) 

4. Tell the child why the behavior is a problem, who it affects, or the rule(s) it breaks. (For example: wet towels that get left around can stain things, they stink, and it causes us to have to do laundry more often.)  

5. Ask for any ideas they have to solve the problem. Kids often have ideas when you take the time to ask. If further probing is needed, ask what you can do to help with this problem. Ask what the child will do herself to help solve this problem. 

Try to just keep quiet and let them get any ideas they may have out first. The adult can then offer ideas or suggestions too. Make sure you don't present yours as more important. But include any ideas you have that might help. It should be a shared brainstorming session. 

It can be helpful to write down aspects of these conversations as you go, but especially to do so at this point, so you can both see and look over the ideas that have been mentioned. Every idea floated, unless absolutely unsafe or impossible, should be accepted and listed at this stage. Censor as little as possible and get as many ideas down as possible. 

6. Weigh the pros and cons of the ideas listed and agree on one (or a combination) to try. Look at all the possible solutions and discuss them or rule out as needed. Choose one to agree to try. Talk briefly about how you'll both know the plan is working and make a rough plan for when you'll check in about how it's going. 

7. Follow up: after a week, or a reasonable amount of time to have tried the solution, has passed ask the child how they think it is going. If it is going well and the problem is better, great! If it hasn't helped or hasn't helped enough, look back at the brainstormed ideas and choose something else to try also or instead. Repeat as needed with a problem-solving, we-can-figure-this-out-together mentality.  

~

Family Problem-Solving Meeting

Examples of Times to Use it:

When you're tired of ongoing problems such as:

House is messy

No one comes to dinner when called

Morning routine feels hectic

Fighting in the car

Rushing/fighting to get to a certain seat at the table or in the car

Playing too roughly in the house

Or proactively/preventatively when looking ahead at potential challenging situations:

How to make an upcoming week at grandma's go well?

How to make a friend who is coming over feel welcome?

What should we do when out to dinner at that fancy restaurant Friday night so everyone will have a good time?

Format of Family Problem-Solving Meetings
Problem-solving group meetings are essentially the same process as above, except it's not focused on one individual's problematic behavior, but rather on a recurring situation or time of day that is not going well in the family (or classroom) at large. It involves interactions among people; there are more moving arts. Everybody needs a chance to air their grievances as well as to share their ideas and solutions. As noted in the examples above, group meetings can also be super useful when we hold them proactively before a situation that is likely to be tough. (In my former first-grade classroom, I often held a class meeting a day or two before a substitute was to teach in my place, and I think it cut down-- at least a bit!-- on problematic substitute-teacher behavior and helped them all have a more productive day than they might otherwise have had.) 

Some basic rules for these meetings are important to establish and review each time: Don't interrupt each other. Use an "I" voice; say how things make you feel, not what you assume about others-- which is another way of saying don't place blame. 

In our home we recently had a meeting about our family dinner times, and particularly some recurring tension that cropped up at the end of them. See our situation and examples from our meeting below. 

Link to a Google Doc Outline of steps below here. 

1. State the problem(s). The adult says what they notice and why it's a problem.  

Everybody eats at different speeds. W eats fast and then is fidgety and wants to get up the moment he's swallowed his last bite. M eats more slowly and seems to get distracted by different things (including being distracted by the fidgetiness and things W does when he's bored and done eating) and we are all usually waiting for her to finish. Dad and I are trying to teach table manners and we sort of feel that we all should stay at the table till everyone's done. We feel nagged by W asking over and over if he can clear his plate. We  want M to have the time she needs but we also get a little bored when we are waiting for her to finish for a long time. Sometimes it even seems like M is going slowly at the end just to annoy W. We feel bad about the whole situation because dinner should be a pleasant time and it isn't at the end. 

2. Gather information from the group. Ask what everyone else notices and what's hard for them. 

M does not like when W tells her to hurry up-- it's annoying! If it's food she doesn't like as much, she eats slower. Sometimes she wants seconds but we sometimes say no if we've been already waiting. 

W feels bored out of his mind. He wants to get up so he can go read and do other things with his evening and not run out of time for those things because he has to sit at the table forever.  

3. Brainstorm solutions. Have the whole group brainstorm ideas of how to make the situation better. Make sure everyone gets their turn to talk and say everything they want to say. (Boy oh boy, did my kids have strong feelings and therefore a hard time waiting their turn to say their piece during our meeting). Accept and write down any ideas unless unsafe or impossible.  

If we have things M thinks are yummy for dinner she would eat quicker. 

Have a set time W can always get up by even if others aren't finished. 

Have a set total length of time for dinner and when that time is up dinner is over, done or not.

Give a 5 minute warning at the end of dinner. 

4. Choose a solution to try.  Talk together about which ideas seem the best or most likely to work and agree on one, or a combination of a couple, to try. Make sure everyone can agree to try it. Make sure it's realistic/feasible. Make sure it respects everyone involved.

We decided to try a combination of things, including giving a warning when dinner is over and Mom getting at least one dinner idea from M each week for something she thinks is yummy and wants to eat. But the main thing we chose is a length of time for dinner. We wanted it to be a generous amount if time to be realistic for M and not cause her to feel pressured to eat fast, but also something a bit more efficient for her to learn to work with that felt workable for the rest of us. We chose 40 minutes with a plan to set our time timer (by the way: these are incredibly handy tools) for that length of time so everyone could be aware of how much time is left.   

5. Make a plan for how you know whether the strategy is working or not and when you will check in again. 

We decided to see how it was going in a week. 

6. Check back in and adjust the plan as needed. When you check in some days later, decide if everyone thinks the problem area is getting better. If so, great! Keep going. If not, go back to the drawing board and choose another or an alternate solution to try. Repeat as needed.  

The general consensus was that everyone was liking the new plan. There was little or no pestering from W, which M and the parents both appreciated. W was usually getting the time he wanted in the evening after dinner. M usually had enough time to finish what she wanted and when she didn't it was only a couple bites she had to toss or save as leftovers for another time. We all knew an end time for dinner was in sight and didn't feel like we had to wait as long. W was more often able to have conversations when he was done rather than fidget and be preoccupied with when others would be done. We've mostly loved this plan ever since. But it hasn't been all perfect. Sometimes we forget to set the timer. Sometimes W gets in the habit of pointing out or telling M how much time is left which she doesn't like and we remind him is not his job. Sometimes sports mean is is already a late night when we sit down and we don't feel like having a 40 minute dinner (and maybe M has become a little more focused in her eating too) so we set the timer for less. Overall it helped!

A few final notes:

These strategies-- group meetings and one-on-one problem-solving conferences-- have been invaluable in my professional and personal life. As a classroom teacher I often relied on these problem-solving strategies and found them to be so much more productive, and feel so much more respectful, than other methods of dealing with inevitable classroom behavior problems. Kids are excited to have their problems paid attention to and to be given the chance to give their input. They'd storm in from recess, saying "I have something we NEED to talk about at the next class meeting." I never had a shortage of agenda ideas jotted down when our weekly class meeting day rolled around, which students looked forward to. We all need opportunities to have our grievances heard. 

When I take the time to have a one on one conference-like chat with one of my kids at home, or call a meeting when something has come to a head, everybody seems to leave the conversation feeling more positive. I've seen problem areas improve, if not go away altogether-- sometimes with comically simple solutions, and sometimes after several iterations of trying a solution and failing and trying something else. 

In some cases there are other, bigger underlying factors at play, whether ADHD or extreme introversion or medical issues or anxiety. So of course some problems with kids and families can not be solved by a simple, thoughtful conversation. But many can. And it won't hurt to try. 

These problem-solving strategies are closely tied in with the language we use with kids: our words and tone-- and listening fully-- matter. 

Also, when we choose to tackle a problem matters. In the moment is often not a productive time to try. The right moment is often later, separate from the heat of the moment, when we can sit down and give everyone a chance to say their feelings and work it out together. It's about being proactive rather than reactive. The goal is to walk away on the same page with a plan, so that it might actually go better the next time.

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Other Resources about Family Meetings (Class Meetings) and One-on-One Problem Solving Conferences:

Article on Teacher-Child Problem-Solving Conferences (equally applicable to parent-child situations)

Sample Problem-Solving Conference Format/Planning Guide

Sample Class Meeting (i.e. Family Meeting) Format/Planning Guide

The Joy of Painting Step by Step

 

We love online step by step painting tutorials as homeschool art projects (I may have mentioned this in 2020 and 2021). 

First of all, everyone's painting of the same subject comes out completely differently. Each artist's style is all over each work of art. Just check out some of the many differences above.

Second, we learn a lot by doing step by step painting projects. While the end goal is to create a particular picture, the kids and I always learn painting techniques along the way that carry over into other projects. To name a few things we've learned: 

• to make leaves, reflections, snow on the top of a mountain, a background sky that fades from bright blue to lighter blue
• how to mix paints (or, rather, how to not mix them too much)
• to paint the canvas or spray it with water first to help the paints blend more smoothly
• to intentionally use the same brush without cleaning it sometimes
• how to make some trees and mountains look farther away or closer up
• all sorts of brush techniques, including holding your white-dipped brush above your painting and tapping it to make it look like it's snowing, and, using a bundle of Q-tips to make flower blossoms  

Each of these techniques we absorb makes us feel a little more adept at the skills of painting, and a little more likely to dream up our own picture and tackle a canvas on our own.

Third, of course, you get beautiful art to hang on the wall. We are always rotating the art work on display in our house, but a pretty canvas is one of the nicer, more polished pieces to decorate with.

Perhaps most importantly, doing a step by step painting project is a great opportunity to practice just trying our best and being patient with ourselves.   

Trying out Bob Ross's Joy of Painting Tutorials

This winter I had a paint and sip night at home with a friend. Since Bob Ross's classic The Joy of Painting show is available to stream on Amazon, we chose one of his paintings to do: "Mountain Lake." I always keep 11 x 14" canvases on hand for art projects, so we used those. Bob Ross uses oil paints. You can buy trademark Bob Ross oil paint sets (and brushes and tools...) online but they are pretty pricey. I don't use oil paints with the kids, and wasn't sure I wanted to use them myself either, so for this project we stuck with a nice set of heavy body acrylic paints we had. While they didn't include all the same colors or color names as Bob Ross's paints, some of them were the same and we could find something close enough for each step of the project. Two tools Bob Ross often uses are a fan brush, and a palette knife. I'd love to get those in the future to try them out, but we just used the variety of brushes in all sizes and shapes that I keep in a jar with our art supplies, and we made do just fine. While the episode was less than a half hour long, we ended up pausing the video a bunch of times to paint and then we'd watch a bit more, pause, paint, and so on. We were at it over two hours altogether but it was such a fun night. 

There's something about taking the time to do something just for the sake of being creative; as an adult I don't do that nearly enough and it's so fulfilling. One downside worth noting: I'd pictured an evening of sipping wine and chatting with my friend while painting, but we didn't do much talking (or wine drinking) because the painting itself took a lot of focus and effort! Our paintings are below; one came out looking like fall, while the other looks more like spring, and one of us oriented it horizontally and the other vertically. We both have a beautiful picture to hang in our houses now; the compliments from my family afterward were very ego-boosting to hear.

In the past, I'd watched a few Joy of Painting episodes with my kids, and they loved seeing the beautiful picture magically appear on the canvas and found it mesmerizing to watch and listen to, as I think many people do. My son went around afterward sharing some awesome Bob Ross quotes, his favorite being his unique encouragement about painting trees, which was something like: "sometimes these son of a guns don't want to come outta your brush, but you just gotta make 'em." You can't help but be charmed by his reverence for "almighty mountains," and of course his happy accidents, free clouds, and happy trees-- not to mention his hairdo. I can see watching Joy of Painting episodes when you just need a little encouragement in your life, whether or not you paint along. His entire message in all his gentle conversation as he paints is about the growth mindset, in an old-timey, grandfatherly kind of way. Bob Ross tells you that mistakes are okay, it doesn't have to be perfect, there's no wrong way to paint a tree/rock/cloud, just relax and try, don't agonize over every detail. It's so wonderful and soothing-- no wonder his show was on for 31 seasons.

Bob Ross's Joy of Painting with Kids

So, after my grown-up painting night, my son (11) was impressed with our results and eager to give a Bob Ross painting a try. Previously my kids have done several different online step by step painting projects, our favorites being from Step by Step Painting with Tracie Kiernan (see end of this post for pictures of one of those, as well as pandas and llamas above). Those projects are definitely simpler than Bob Ross's-- especially since she has a selection of paintings just for kids. But W was ready to try a little more of a challenge, so we went for it. Bob Ross's landscape pictures are all so pretty, it was hard to choose which one. My winter-loving son of course chose a snowy scene. 

We picked an afternoon when we didn't have to be anywhere at a certain time so we wouldn't feel rushed. We set up our area: the computer to play the episode, our canvases, all the brushes we own, a couple of paper towels, a cup of water for rinsing our brushes, a paper plate for each of us for mixing our paints. It went really well for a couple hours. We painted a background, mountains, clouds. It was so neat to see how different our paintings were turning out as we progressed; even though we'd both used the same two colors, the sky in each of our paintings showed two different moods entirely. 

Trying out his own technique for clouds

After a while, W started to get frustrated trying to paint his trees. He didn't like how his trees were turning out, so he painted over them and tried again. He proceeded to do this several times, getting more and more impatient with himself. I tried to remind him of Bob Ross's mantras. The trees don't need to be perfect. Everybody's trees will be different. Just go with it, relax, no pressure, it will all look good in the end as part of the whole painting. It was hard for him to hear any of that right then. He eventually walked away, took a break and a few breaths, and returned to paint a few last steps, and the paintings turned out great: 

I'm really glad my son and I tried out a Bob Ross painting. It was something creative we could do together. It was a chance to really focus on one thing for an extended period of time. It was a good challenge, for both of us. And, except for those few tense moments in the trees, it was a lot of fun. I think it's good to intentionally try new, hard things that stretch us and require persistence.

~

...Because of the time and challenge level, I think it was also a good choice that only my oldest tried the Bob Ross painting. But my daughter (7) didn't want to be left out of the painting fun. A few days later she and I painted beautiful, bright springy scenes of Mt. Fuji and cherry blossoms, from the StepbyStep painting site:  

In summary, any step by step painting project is a super fun, creative activity for all ages. Here's our tips on doing one, whichever source you choose.

Tips for Using Step by Step Painting Tutorials

1. Bob Ross paintings are best for adults and older kids-- tweens and up.
2. There are many good, free step by step painting sources online. Tracy Kiernan's site is a favorite for all ages, and better for younger kids.  
3. Clear a big surface area before starting the project.
4. Gather your tools: acrylic paints, brushes, water cup, paper towels, canvas, device to watch or read instructions from.
5. Acrylics work for Bob Ross paintings, even though he uses oil.
6. Don't worry if you don't have the exact tools or exact colors that the instructor does. Just use whatever you have that's close.
7. It's your painting; it's okay to choose a different color or to make other choices differently than the instructor.  
8. Watch, pause, paint, repeat. Don't try to paint and watch at the same time.
9. Make sure you have a significant chunk of open, free time before you start a painting-- two to three hours. It's no fun if you have to either rush, or have to clean it up and get it back out a second time. 
10. It's most fun if everyone painting agrees to do the same painting. Once I tried letting each of my kids choose a painting they wanted to do and I supervised and helped both of them pause and start their video on separate devices as needed. It was a little overwhelming for me to keep tabs on what step each of them was on, and they each felt in their own world (plus, I didn't get to paint myself). Much more fun to see your companions' different but similar pictures appearing next to yours and be able to encourage each other along, step by step. 
11. Try not to get frustrated and just have fun with it.

End-of-Year Lists to Celebrate and Reflect

It's good for us all to take time to reflect on our own growth. We forget in the day to day, or don't realize, how far we've come. For kids especially, just in the space of a year their growth is usually pretty dramatic. It's nice to help them see this growth over time and celebrate it. 

For the last several years, at the end of the school year, I have made each of my kids a card-- "Congratulations on finishing third grade!" it might say on the front. Inside of it, my husband and I have listed some of their many accomplishments of the past year. I think they always felt special reading these cards (or having them read to them). The card tradition makes a nice keepsake and helps give a little extra pomp and circumstance to reaching that all-important last day of school/eve of summer vacation. 

I looked back over the kids' cards from past years (going back as far as 2015, the year my oldest finished preschool) and smiled at some of the things we'd recorded as important milestones each year:

• You were brave enough this year to run through the sprinkler! (Preschool, M)
• You are so good at using scissors and placing stickers. (Preschool, M)
• You learned to put on your own coat and button and zip your clothes! (Preschool, W)
• You learned to make "7" stars. (Kindergarten, W)
• You always keep us updated on how many days you have been in school this year. (Kindergarten, W)
• You learned two whole new sports-- basketball and tennis. (1st Grade, W)
• You did a great job with all your jobs as a ringbearer. (1st Grade, W)
• You started to enjoy Sudoku puzzles. (2nd Grade, W)
• You taught us cool facts about Jamestown. (3rd Grade, W)

This year I realized it might be fun to have my kids each make their own list for the first time. We did it as a little reflection project on our last "official" day of school recently, although this could be done at any time that it feels right to step back and recognize growth-- at the end of a summer, end of the actual calendar year, before each birthday... 

This is how I framed it for them: I asked them to sit down for a few minutes and list things they had learned this year or things they were proud of accomplishing. I told them to think about "school" stuff like reading, writing, math, science, social studies, etc., but also to think about music, sports, friends, life. They both were really engaged in it, my oldest especially. (I told him after we had finished, that just watching him work on this was an example of his growth; I remember a time when he would not have been able to sit for 20 minutes and fill up two pages easily, without any trouble getting started or complaints of being stuck.) Here are a few gems they each recognized about the past year (all is word-for-word from what they wrote, except my notes in brackets): 

M (age 6):

• I learned my 4th finger and my new bow hold [on violin]. 
• I skied 5 miles and rode my bike 5 miles and hiked 5 miles! [At different times :) ]
• I learned to tie my shoes. 
• I learned to snap [fingers]. 

W (age 10):

• I do a bunch of push-ups every day.
• I built a bunch of cool Lego forts. 
• I started doing the dishwasher every day (not that I'm proud of it).
• I got better (way, way better) at solving problems with M.
• I made several videos on YouTube.
• I got even more competent at glade skiing with my twin tips. 
• I realized that Hamilton is super awesome. 
• I learned a bunch of complicated new words and used them in my writing. 
• I made new friends on my baseball team. 

W said something after we made the lists like, "Wow, I knew I did a lot this year but this list makes me feel really good." Having that hit them was of course exactly the point.

We parents couldn't resist separately noting some things we're proud of too, and didn't want to break our tradition of documenting them in a card. Here are some of this year's accomplishments we came up with for each of the kids as well:

For W:

• You learned to do long division, averages, percentages, and more. 
• You crushed your first 22-mile bike ride.
• You started eating salad-- yay iceberg! 
• You began studying Greek and made us some delicious Greek food.
• You discovered the joys of Calvin and Hobbes. 
• You learned to do video editing and have used it to make several cool projects. 
• You have maintained two penpals. 

For M:

• You learned to ride your bike!
• You learned to READ and you read everything. 
• You memorized lots of Frozen and Moana songs and you sing them beautifully. 
• You learned sign language.
• You were on your first soccer and baseball teams and you learned a lot of skills. 
• You learned to downhill ski and you went on the chairlift for the first time. 
• You grew 3 1/2 inches and needed a bigger violin. 
• You love science and always want to do more science. 
• You can do addition and subtraction. 
• You became a writer and wrote lots of great stories about babies.
• You pour your own milk in your cereal.
• You are a huge help in the kitchen.

We read all these lists-- theirs about themselves, and ours we wrote for them-- aloud at dinner and there were a lot of smiles and nods all around. It was a fun end-of-year or anytime reflection project-- good for self esteem and for developing a growth mindset and just plain fun. 

The Best Parenting Books Ever

You know how once in a while you read a book that is so good, it changes you? That's how I feel about How to Talk so Kids can Learn at Home and in School by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. 

I was first introduced to How to Talk so Kids can Learn as a teaching intern. The strategies in it were eye-opening, and felt so real and sensible. It awakened in me a consciousness of my words and tone, and the fact that choosing them wisely could make a big difference. In a way, it altered the course of my teaching life, causing me to have conversations with supervisors, and enroll in courses all about intentional teacher language and classroom structures that would care for students' social-emotional learning-- before I'd even set foot in my own first classroom. Over the years, my classroom was not always the idealistic community that I'd visualized as a newbie (far from it) and yet I was a much better teacher for having had that teacher-language approach as my foundation and center. 

Now as a parent I appreciate the book in new ways. It is the best parenting book, and one of the most affecting non-fiction books, that I've ever read. I think every parent and teacher should read it (an opinion evidenced by a peek at my past Amazon orders, which reveals that I have purchased this book at least five times to give as a gift for baby showers and gift exchanges). 

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Must-Read Parenting Books

Years later, as a parent, I eventually read two more books by the same authors as How to Talk so Kids can Learn: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk and Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help your Children Live Together so you can Live Too-- all three long titles for books that manage to teach exactly what they promise to teach. Faber and Mazlish have co-written a number of other books too. Their different books might have different focuses (siblings/little kids/teens or school/home) but they all are written in the same encouraging, down-to-earth style and embrace the same philosophies around adult language strategies and the effect they have on kids. The three I own and love are described below.   

How to Talk so Kids can Learn at Home and in School-- Problem-solving with kids instead of for them. The importance of and strategies for naming their feelings. Using alternatives to punishment that actually help children learn from mistakes/misbehavior. Describing kids' actions and accomplishments so they can come to their own conclusions and grow instead of evaluative praise (fantastic/you're a good girl/you're so smart) which can cause self doubt. These are some of the huge mental shifts that this short and sweet book introduced me to and I highly recommend it.  

How to Talk so Kids with Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk-- This book includes all the same pointers as the one above but has additional priceless sections such as that on how to encourage autonomy (I've been trying to let my kids have control over more of the many small decisions in their lives, among other strategies, ever since I read that).  

One gem in this book is "Resist the temptation to 'make better' instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child's feelings." Here's one story: when my son was younger, I was guilty of trying to make better instantly all the time. He'd tell me about an issue on the playground or a complaint about his teacher and I'd talk and talk and talk to him about the situation and what he could do, feeling that this was my role as a parent, to try to advise and fix it. After one of these talks, I'd tell myself that I had helped even though I knew his eyes had glazed over and the conversation had revolved around my feelings and thoughts rather than his. Here's a different experience in contrast: just the other day he was expressing some recent frustration around practicing the piano. I asked him to tell me more about it, restating and naming his feelings now and then to clarify, saying only "mmm" a lot just to make sure he'd vented all he wanted to say, and eventually asking him for ideas of what he thought might help, being sure not to discount any of the suggestions right after he said them. And before I even thought the conversation was over, before we'd come up with a game plan or solution, he was already noticeably more positive, and profusely saying, "Thanks so much for talking to me about this." All I'd done was listen, act like his feelings mattered, and let him think aloud. But it was a proud moment when I got it right and a perfect example, for me, of how much more effective is this style of interacting with kids about their problems compared with the tack I used to take in the past. (I'll say also here that much of the enlightened advice in this book about how to foster good communication with kids is relevant and useful with coworkers, friends, and spouses as well.)

 

Sibling Rivalry: How to Help your Children Live Together so you can Live Too

This book fits right in with the others but with a sibling angle (for example, how to accept and name kids' feelings about a sibling). But it brings in a lot of unique points. There is a chapter about the dangers of comparing a child to his sibling, either favorably or unfavorably, and alternatives that motivate better. Also, the idea that fair treatment doesn't mean equal or the same for all parties; instead fair means everybody having their unique needs met. (I knew this as a teacher in the classroom but somehow needed to relearn it as a parent of two at home.) When it comes to my time, base it on who needs me more right now. As far as sibling fights, I'm not saying it always goes swimmingly around here, but I have gotten tons of mileage out of beautifully simple tips such as attending to the injured party first and the aggressor later. And I often try to "step in so I can step out" when they are arguing-- essentially, hearing and appreciating the difficulty of the problem at hand, but communicating that I have faith in them to find a way to work it out that works for both of them and then giving them space. It's heady stuff for any parent of siblings.

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All three of these books I've described are quick reads. Chapters are written in a conversational tone, not an academic one, around specific, relatable situations that come up with kids-- messes, forgetfulness, frustrations with school work, fights. There are comic strips in every chapter, highlighting effective ways to communicate with kids in direct comparison to less effective ways, such as in How to Talk so Kids can Learn: "Instead of Denying Feelings" (page 28)..."Put the Feelings into Words" (page 29), with examples of each. There are summarized bullet points at the end of each chapter-- I wouldn't mind having all of these reminder pages plastered all over my house so I'd never forget them. There are also sections of questions sent in by parents and teachers, and the authors' answers to them. 

All three of these books have the same big themes to them: recognizing kids' feelings, using descriptive language, improving parent-child relationships, helping kids develop self esteem as well as responsibility and other skills. Faber and Mazlish aren't the only ones to write that adult language with kids matters, but their strategies are so sound. The language practices they espouse are also imbedded within the guidance of many other smart and influential voices on raising or educating children (see, for example, Carol Dweck's growth mindset work as well as advice for parents raising a quiet kid from the book Quiet).  

Evolving the way we talk to kids is hard and it takes time. In a teaching course once, I was taught a tip for working on improving teacher language: record your voice working with kids throughout the day, then go back and re-listen to yourself to study where you've succeeded and where you could improve on your goals. I could never bear to go so far as to record and listen to myself, but I see the point. In trying to embody these strategies, I mess up, all the time. There are so many situations in any given day that just come up that we have to react to (or consciously choose not to react to). It's good to be aware of those knee-jerk reactions that we aren't so proud of at the end of the day, so we can work on building up better alternatives to carry around with us and strive to do a bit better the next day. 

These days homeschooling I'm more convinced than ever that our words and our tone with kids matters-- perhaps more than anything else in parenting. I have one child who is six and another who is ten, and I hope to show both of them I am present and they can talk to me now about anything and feel heard and respected, so that when harder things come up when they're older they will still talk to me (and be willing to listen as well); I find these books a guiding light for big goals like that.