You know how once in a while you read a book that is so good, it changes you? That's how I feel about How to Talk so Kids can Learn at Home and in School by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
I was first introduced to How to Talk so Kids can Learn as a teaching intern. The strategies in it were eye-opening, and felt so real and sensible. It awakened in me a consciousness of my words and tone, and the fact that choosing them wisely could make a big difference. In a way, it altered the course of my teaching life, causing me to have conversations with supervisors, and enroll in courses all about intentional teacher language and classroom structures that would care for students' social-emotional learning-- before I'd even set foot in my own first classroom. Over the years, my classroom was not always the idealistic community that I'd visualized as a newbie (far from it) and yet I was a much better teacher for having had that teacher-language approach as my foundation and center.
Now as a parent I appreciate the book in new ways. It is the best parenting book, and one of the most affecting non-fiction books, that I've ever read. I think every parent and teacher should read it (an opinion evidenced by a peek at my past Amazon orders, which reveals that I have purchased this book at least five times to give as a gift for baby showers and gift exchanges).
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Must-Read Parenting Books
Years later, as a parent, I eventually read two more books by the same authors as How to Talk so Kids can Learn: How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk and Siblings without Rivalry: How to Help your Children Live Together so you can Live Too-- all three long titles for books that manage to teach exactly what they promise to teach. Faber and Mazlish have co-written a number of other books too. Their different books might have different focuses (siblings/little kids/teens or school/home) but they all are written in the same encouraging, down-to-earth style and embrace the same philosophies around adult language strategies and the effect they have on kids. The three I own and love are described below.
How to Talk so Kids can Learn at Home and in School-- Problem-solving with kids instead of for them. The importance of and strategies for naming their feelings. Using alternatives to punishment that actually help children learn from mistakes/misbehavior. Describing kids' actions and accomplishments so they can come to their own conclusions and grow instead of evaluative praise (fantastic/you're a good girl/you're so smart) which can cause self doubt. These are some of the huge mental shifts that this short and sweet book introduced me to and I highly recommend it.
How to Talk so Kids with Listen & Listen so Kids will Talk-- This book includes all the same pointers as the one above but has additional priceless sections such as that on how to encourage autonomy (I've been trying to let my kids have control over more of the many small decisions in their lives, among other strategies, ever since I read that).
One gem in this book is "Resist the temptation to 'make better' instantly. Instead of giving advice, continue to accept and reflect on your child's feelings." Here's one story: when my son was younger, I was guilty of trying to make better instantly all the time. He'd tell me about an issue on the playground or a complaint about his teacher and I'd talk and talk and talk to him about the situation and what he could do, feeling that this was my role as a parent, to try to advise and fix it. After one of these talks, I'd tell myself that I had helped even though I knew his eyes had glazed over and the conversation had revolved around my feelings and thoughts rather than his. Here's a different experience in contrast: just the other day he was expressing some recent frustration around practicing the piano. I asked him to tell me more about it, restating and naming his feelings now and then to clarify, saying only "mmm" a lot just to make sure he'd vented all he wanted to say, and eventually asking him for ideas of what he thought might help, being sure not to discount any of the suggestions right after he said them. And before I even thought the conversation was over, before we'd come up with a game plan or solution, he was already noticeably more positive, and profusely saying, "Thanks so much for talking to me about this." All I'd done was listen, act like his feelings mattered, and let him think aloud. But it was a proud moment when I got it right and a perfect example, for me, of how much more effective is this style of interacting with kids about their problems compared with the tack I used to take in the past. (I'll say also here that much of the enlightened advice in this book about how to foster good communication with kids is relevant and useful with coworkers, friends, and spouses as well.)
This book fits right in with the others but with a sibling angle (for example, how to accept and name kids' feelings about a sibling). But it brings in a lot of unique points. There is a chapter about the dangers of comparing a child to his sibling, either favorably or unfavorably, and alternatives that motivate better. Also, the idea that fair treatment doesn't mean equal or the same for all parties; instead fair means everybody having their unique needs met. (I knew this as a teacher in the classroom but somehow needed to relearn it as a parent of two at home.) When it comes to my time, base it on who needs me more right now. As far as sibling fights, I'm not saying it always goes swimmingly around here, but I have gotten tons of mileage out of beautifully simple tips such as attending to the injured party first and the aggressor later. And I often try to "step in so I can step out" when they are arguing-- essentially, hearing and appreciating the difficulty of the problem at hand, but communicating that I have faith in them to find a way to work it out that works for both of them and then giving them space. It's heady stuff for any parent of siblings.
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All three of these books I've described are quick reads. Chapters are written in a conversational tone, not an academic one, around specific, relatable situations that come up with kids-- messes, forgetfulness, frustrations with school work, fights. There are comic strips in every chapter, highlighting effective ways to communicate with kids in direct comparison to less effective ways, such as in How to Talk so Kids can Learn: "Instead of Denying Feelings" (page 28)..."Put the Feelings into Words" (page 29), with examples of each. There are summarized bullet points at the end of each chapter-- I wouldn't mind having all of these reminder pages plastered all over my house so I'd never forget them. There are also sections of questions sent in by parents and teachers, and the authors' answers to them.
All three of these books have the same big themes to them: recognizing kids' feelings, using descriptive language, improving parent-child relationships, helping kids develop self esteem as well as responsibility and other skills. Faber and Mazlish aren't the only ones to write that adult language with kids matters, but their strategies are so sound. The language practices they espouse are also imbedded within the guidance of many other smart and influential voices on raising or educating children (see, for example, Carol Dweck's growth mindset work as well as advice for parents raising a quiet kid from the book Quiet).
Evolving the way we talk to kids is hard and it takes time. In a teaching course once, I was taught a tip for working on improving teacher language: record your voice working with kids throughout the day, then go back and re-listen to yourself to study where you've succeeded and where you could improve on your goals. I could never bear to go so far as to record and listen to myself, but I see the point. In trying to embody these strategies, I mess up, all the time. There are so many situations in any given day that just come up that we have to react to (or consciously choose not to react to). It's good to be aware of those knee-jerk reactions that we aren't so proud of at the end of the day, so we can work on building up better alternatives to carry around with us and strive to do a bit better the next day.
These days homeschooling I'm more convinced than ever that our words and our tone with kids matters-- perhaps more than anything else in parenting. I have one child who is six and another who is ten, and I hope to show both of them I am present and they can talk to me now about anything and feel heard and respected, so that when harder things come up when they're older they will still talk to me (and be willing to listen as well); I find these books a guiding light for big goals like that.
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