“If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty of lives and whole towns destroyed or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often kind. And much can never be redeemed. Still life has some possibility left. Perhaps this is its way of fighting back, that sometimes something happened better than all the riches or power in the world. It could be anything, but very likely you notice it in the instant when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb. (Don't Hesitate)”
-- Mary Oliver, Swan: Poems and Prose Poems
Against all odds, we gave in to this wild idea of homeschooling. I thought I'd like the homeschool life, I just didn't realize how in love with it I would be. I am embracing its plenty-- both the "school" part and all the good things happening as a result of the leap.
It's not as simple as I don't have to go to work. I still have to get up almost as early as I used to every morning to get everybody up and ready for the day. I don't feel I have a lot more free time; my day is full and I still have only the few hours a week between the kids' bedtime and my own to work on projects. My house is not a lot cleaner. I do find it a little easier to manage a phone call during business hours, and a lot easier to schedule an appointment. Sports schedules and after-school care are not a stress now. I get to wear jeans every single day. But it's bigger than these little epiphanies about the difference between working full-time and "staying home."
I really am working right now, and it's work I love. To be clear, I loved teaching, or many parts of it. But in the past I always felt I was not doing enough at home or at school. I felt splintered, distracted, parent guilt, teacher guilt all the time. Now, while I'm sure I'm not doing things perfectly, I'm always adapting as we go, and the responsibilities I have feel so realistic. I teach one student who I focus on personalizing for. I communicate and collaborate with his parent all the time, so we're all in the loop. I get to know his challenges and strengths more intimately by the day and have the time to focus on them, help him find strategies to get through obstacles, push him where I can, and I get to witness and be a part of each accomplishment. This is teaching that is incredibly rewarding.
Every day feels so full, so fulfilling. I'm not accustomed to waking up excited on a regular basis, but I do. I have no dreaded or preferred weekdays; I like all the days equally now. I love putting my energy into how best to organize our day, what we'll do and learn together. I have a greater percentage of amazing days than ever before. Even on the harder days, it still feels like a good day, and I know each little rough spot helps us find our way together and do better tomorrow. It's exciting to dig into a whole new realm of content and developmental characteristics (working daily with a 9-year-old now after spending over a decade with first graders). I feel great providing W, for the first time, the gift of learning at precisely his level and pace. W talks more often and with more excitement about what he's learning at the dinner table now. I have the mental capacity to parent better, more thoughtfully, actively for both of my children. My 4-year-old has dance classes and music lessons she loves that weren't previously an option but are, now, because our schedule is different. I get to drop her off at preschool and pick her up at 3:00, neither of which were possible in the past. I have made some new friends (nearby homeschool parents) and am trying to do better at keeping in touch with old ones. I can allow my kids to plan a "play date" without weeks of notice or needing it to be on a weekend. I am staying up later than I used to, energized by reading and planning, yet I never feel terribly tired. I get more exercise. (By "more" I mean some, in the middle of the day, and that feels amazing.) I see daylight after spending many years in a basement (no offense to the great school I worked in). I feel that I've really appreciated and been out in the crunchy leaf smell and the golden light of autumn this year.
I never would have predicted we would find ourselves where we are right now. There are so many possibilities. I'm giving in to the joy of right now.