Parenting for a Growth Mindset

I love to watch my kids solve problems. 

The other day my daughter's teapot was too hot to touch. Ask Mom to pour? Nooooo. She found some nearby gloves to help her manage it. It reminded me of about a year ago when she couldn’t open the flip top on her toothpaste and figured out that a little orange Lego brick separator was all she needed to get the job done. So she kept one stashed in the bathroom for daily utility. We're often impressed by how resourceful and independent she is in little moments like these. 

I get to observe my two kids and the way they learn every day. Like any two siblings, they're different. This time of year, I've been reflecting on their different approaches when they each were learning to ski. 

My son is now, at 10, what I would call an expert skier, both cross-country or downhill, on all sorts of terrain. He is comfortable and confident on skis, and skiing has become part of his identity and something that he, uncharacteristically, likes to show off. But when he was little and learning to ski, whether on the magic carpet, or out on our favorite cross-country ski trails, he whined and fretted a fair amount. When he fell, he sometimes stayed on the ground for a while, grumbling at us/himself/his skis. He was frustrated and didn't know how to manage the fact that it was challenging, and we felt frustrated too sometimes-- with his attitude. 

He was fragile as a learner of that new skill. He taught us we had to tread lightly, being gentle and encouraging, trying to say just the right things at key moments. We tried to remain calm and react to the stumbles as a normal part of learning (or, often, intentionally not react at all), and point out every little bit of progress to build him up. We knew that with practice he would get better and find it more fun (and he did). We kept going out, doing small amounts we thought he could handle to keep it positive. I don't know the exact moment when he switched from feeling frustrated with skiing to feeling super confident. But it is one of our clearest shining examples, and his, of practice and progress over time and how it can dramatically change your relationship with a skill. As a result, to this day, if he's trying to do something new or hard and we see some frustration, there's a good chance one of us will bring up the topic of skiing.

Teaching M, 5, to ski has been an entirely different experience. M goes fairly slowly and falls plenty, but she either laughs or doesn't miss a beat in conversation while she simply gets back up. She generally is not annoyed or surprised by a fall; there's no big emotions that ensue. If she's stuck in an awkward position, we might need to spend a minute discussing where she should put her feet so that she can stand up, but she patiently listens and tries our advice. If she whines we know it really is time to call it a day, because she so rarely does. She is patient and persistent, plugging along at her own speed. When I bit off a little more than I should have distance-wise on a cross-country loop recently and admitted that as the hours wore on and the sun got lower in the sky, she said, "Mommy, you should look at the map better next time," but she didn't melt into a heap or give up; she just kept going, cheerfully. (When we returned home, W openly said something like, "Wow! If I'd skied five miles at her age I wouldn't have been in a good mood afterward!")  

A few years ago, my fellow teachers and I all read as a book study Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck. My copy has a lot of underlining and scribbled notes in the margins. It made a lot of my observations about how kids are as learners, especially my own children, make sense. The book is based on a lot of research and I strongly recommend it to any parent or teacher. The big idea is that all people have either a growth mindset or a fixed mindset (or something on the spectrum in between). A growth mindset is the belief that you can learn, that you will improve with hard work and practice. A fixed mindset is the belief that your qualities are fixed traits, that we are each born with a certain amount of talent that doesn't change. Each of these have different characteristics and sometimes need to be taught and parented in different ways. 

In learning to ski, my two kids had different mindsets: M had more of a growth mindset, while W showed a fixed mindset. My kids aren't always the way they were then; sometimes it's the reverse. W has grown a lot from the little boy who could have an occasional tantrum on skis, and M has plenty of rough days and stubborn moments. But their varying approaches to learning and working, especially when things are not coming easily, have taught me first-hand about the idea of mindset and the difference it can make. Daily I notice their relationship with challenge, the length of time they stick with something on their own before asking for help, their tolerance for frustration, their willingness to take advice, their self talk. I see mindset when one of them encounters a problem whose solution isn't immediately obvious, or when I set out to present a brand new concept to one of them in math. 

Here are some of the differences discussed in the book that can often be seen with the two mindsets:

Characteristics of a Fixed Mindset

• Belief in fixed traits and natural/innate ability (I'm good at math, or, I'm a bad artist, etc.)
• Fixed ability constantly needs to be proven 
• Afraid of challenge
• Afraid of not being smart
• Want to make sure they succeed
• If things get too challenging, they lose interest
• Feel smart when flawless 
• Don't remember the idea of "yet" (either feel they can or can't do something) 
• Failure can be devastating because it affects identity as being good at this or that
• Avoid learning from failure and sometimes focus on bolstering self esteem instead ("At least I'm better than so-and-so...," assigning blame, or making excuses) 
• Need validation of their worth 

Characteristics of a Growth Mindset 

• Belief in changing qualities 
• Belief that ability is changeable and can be developed through learning 
• Enjoy challenge; challenge and interest in something go together 
• Feel smart when learning 
• Think of themselves as simply not knowing how to do something yet
• Failure can be painful, but doesn't define identity
• Feeling of being more determined when things get worse
• Value what they are doing regardless of the outcome 
• Take charge of their own learning and motivation 
• Ask how they can do things, not whether they can do things 

We all have different interests and things we focus on. There are areas of life in which I have more of a fixed mindset, where I give up pretty quickly and leave it to someone more qualified (high-school science topics and broken appliances come to mind), and other areas where I have a growth mindset, where I am more open-minded and have a habit of reading and delving deeper to improve (parenting, teaching, cooking, to name a few). Most of us are in different places along the fixed-growth mindset spectrum in different areas of life. There are also other aspects of who we are that play into how we tackle situations-- disabilities and individual temperament, for example. But mindset is a big piece of it, and a growth mindset be taught. I want my kids to have a growth mindset attitude toward life, to feel that nothing is beyond them if they work at it. I want them to have perseverance and to understand that worthy enterprises aren't usually easy or immediate. Ever since I read Mindset I have been trying to be aware of the things I do as a parent that could help them along the path of these goals, that might foster or help develop a growth mindset. Here are some strategies I have felt to be effective, and some I was reminded of in rereading my underlining in the final chapters of Mindset. 

Strategies for Fostering or Developing a Growth Mindset in Kids 

• If they want to do something themselves, let them. This takes patience, so
• Build time into your routine so you can allow them to spend ten minutes buttoning their own shirt or tying their own shoes in the morning.
• Let them struggle a bit. Don't jump in too soon. If they are focused and actively trying to figure out that tricky word in their book, let them. If on the other hand they skip over the hard word or toss the book aside, that might be the time to offer a hint or a strategy to keep them going. 
• Regularly point out and describe specific, concrete ways they have grown and changed, whether it is the songs they now know how to play on an instrument or how legible their handwriting is. Physical evidence of their own growth in the form of work samples, pictures, or videos from the past is powerful to kids.   
• Celebrate challenge.
• Use the word and concept of "yet" more often, as it showcases the idea that we are all on a path and our abilities aren't fixed. It makes things feel possible and only a matter of time and learning. (I haven't learned to ride my bike yet, but I am getting there; Someday I'll probably like broccoli.) (There are multiple children's books about this concept-- The Magical Yet; The Power of Yet; I Can't Do that, Yet... I haven't read those-- yet-- but I love the idea behind them.) 
• Rather than praising their talent or intelligence (You're such a great gymnast/You're so smart), focus on naming and praising their effort and strategies. 
• When there are achievements to celebrate (trophies, grades, etc.) connect those to the processes that got them there. (You practiced your spelling words every night this week and you got them all right!)  
• Don't label your kids (i.e. This one's the artist, This one is the scientist).
• Treat mistakes as expected and as opportunities for learning.
• Talk about the new things you are always learning, and model not giving up on things easily in your own enterprises.
• Model seeing your own mistakes honestly, taking feedback, and changing your strategies; tell stories about things that are easier for you now because of your hard work.
• When they struggle, whether with friends or shyness or with learning a particular skill, share your stories of struggle and how you got through it and how it turned out.  
• Talk about your own fixed-mindset areas when they present themselves, and how you are working on them. 
• Give kids regular honest and constructive feedback, both so it will help them improve and because it will cause them to become accustomed to feedback and not see it as negative or as an attack on their character. 
• Dweck writes, "Research shows that normal young children misbehave every three minutes." Don't let kids feel judgement and punishment during those many moments; see their behaviors instead as part of their normal growth process and as moments to teach. 
• Support their own chosen interests and learning.
• If there is talent they admire or idolize, give them tools and help them see the way to get there. 
• Teach them that connections in their brain get stronger, and brain cells grow, when they learn new things. This gives some literal proof and explanation to the idea that things that are at one point hard can become easy-- and that things always being easy isn't something to celebrate because that indicates they aren't learning. 
• Structure some dinner-table conversation around the growth mindset: What is a mistake that taught you something today? What did you try hard at today?
• Read and discuss books with themes of perseverance, hard work, strategy-- and growth mindset. There are many but a few picture-book examples I like are: Rosie Revere, Engineer by Andrea Beaty, Everyone Can Learn to Ride a Bicycle by Chris Raschka, The Dot by Peter H. Reynolds, and The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires. 

One of the main themes I see in regard to parenting for a growth mindset is, unsurprisingly, that how we talk to kids-- our words and tone, our reactions and interactions-- matter. (And in trying to have the right words and tone, we'll all mess up, but we can have a growth mindset and keep trying and stick with it!) 

We can try to be patient and admiring when they insist on pouring their milk themselves or retrieving something from the top shelf by using a stool. Initiative, problem-solving, confidence, and stick-with-it-ness matter more than spilled milk in the long run. In so many little moments of every day, we have the opportunity to let them try and not to step in too early, to notice the many failed attempts as they inch closer to a goal, and celebrate their efforts when they keep going. I want a struggle with dividing decimals to be seen honestly for what it is, and not as an indicator that they are not good at math (or that math is stupid) and that they might as well give up. We can try to be the type of parents who don't expect new skills or habits to be mastered right away, so kids too will have realistic expectations of themselves and will come to know that progress comes with time and effort. None of us is permanently messy or neat, a good cook or not, a good student or not, a good athlete or not-- it's all a process. We won't all become the best of the best in every area we explore, but we can all improve from where we begin.